Last night I was sitting with my roller skates on in the street. Quinn found me and took me to his house but I never got to see inside.
I was taking a shower with pants on in the living room. I was worried about damaging the hardwood floors but no one seemed to care. It was warm and treacly. In another room I was also trying to take a shower but someone rearranged all the furniture so that the bathroom was only a small airplane stall behind a fridge. I stepped inside and yelped because the floors were dirty and I was barefoot.
There was a whole debacle with the lunch line. Darrian abandoned me at the soda fountain. Soon some other girls, outcasts too, came to sit and eat giant nachos. I feigned closeness with one who I had just met that day. Don’t know why she played along.
I can't identify the first room I was in last night. It was tall and airy, with a table too small to eat at in the center. It may have been Bobby's house except we weren't children. As I'm writing this I realize it was Alex's apartment grafted onto Bobby's living room. Neither of them were there. I was with Yuqing eating peanuts.
The second place was a van or a bus. We were all girls being dropped off somewhere far, according to schedule. One person wasn't feeling well and asked if we could turn around. We didn't listen to her. It was too late, and tropical. The girl who felt sick wasn't a real girl but simply a recording of one. That might be why we kept going. We made a rest stop somewhere that looked like Mill Valley.
The last place was a shopping mall. Still lots of light. I was looking for somewhere to sit with Maryann and my mom. I was conscious of Covid. It was Yau Yat Sing, and El Mercado. I wished Maryann would just tell me what to do.
In the past week Undertale, cockroaches, Jae, and Eric were in my dreams. I'm losing interest in this exercise and may start to make things up.
I was trying to walk to a theater in San Francisco or Lincoln Park. The hills were massive and the floor was untenable. It was bright out. I knew I wouldn't make it up the street but tried anyway, then ended up dangling from asphalt by my fingers. It was like a remix of the nightmare where I slide backwards while driving, though I wasn't as scared.
It was the same feeling as rock climbing. Later I was on Valencia and in New Orleans and saw Coach Waters on a bar patio. He was like 7 feet tall. I wasn't sure that was the right size for him so I Googled his name to check. I still haven't dreamt about wearing a mask yet. I think screens have only recently been appearing.
I dreamt about input and output metrics.
There were a lot of us in beds, but we weren’t trying to sleep. It wasn’t a party, because nobody participated. I had a spot at the foot of the frame and Nora offered butter she’d churned herself. I said yes and watched her spread it around, realizing she owned cows now.
The butter was in bed with us. Even though the room was in our house in San Antonio, it was also a ship, so there was nowhere else to put our things. I heard that people were outside swimming and floating on pallets we towed. On a mattress below, Jacqueline and Joyce laughed wildly about about their wet socks. I knew I’d feel soggy if I stood up, so I didn’t bother trying. I was cagey and dumb.
I didn't see the purple berries in the trees until Jae pointed them out. They fruited all over. I didn't wish for anything. I was a punk, and a dog, and a baby.
A weird thing that happens: after I spend a night talking with my roommates, I often dream about the conversation continuing. The epilogue is usually anxious, like I forgot to say one last thought, or I misrepresented a story.
An explanation for this is that we're not close, but we still know each other from living and drinking together. It's some checkerboard version of knowing, and I think my brain tries to resolve the lack of coherency in sleep. I don't have this dream after being with other people.
My psyche is a featherlight dinner roll. Used to be hard cheese. Since nothing happens or happening is continuous now, external objects bloom quickly (either from life or TV or books). Input and output get closer. I don't mind being a vessel for now.
We were driving country roads. It could have been Colorado or Wisconsin. Karena was upset about something as we dropped her off in front of a school with dogwood trees. The flowers matched her shirt. I don't know how old we were. Later Maryann was in my kitchen in Oakland and I offered her a sip of my grapefruit juice. There wasn't enough for two but for some reason it was important that we each have some. We were getting ready to drive again.
My boss told me she has a recurring dream of forgetting to finish the last credit she needs to graduate. Funny how our adult anxieties are reported back to us in juvenile contexts.
Last night was about Bryan and a blue notebook. We were trying to leave somewhere, there was a lot of Tupperware. Church basement maybe. It wasn’t well-lit or warm. Then I was lost in the dorm. Natalie was there, and I was carrying my pillow by mistake, parading my mess through the carrels. I almost took it with me to breakfast. I just wanted a plate of fruit but I felt too embarrassed, and I wasn't actually hungry. I tried to take the elevator back up to the eighth floor to return the pillow. It took me to the 寶琳 MTR station instead.
I was confused, but thought I could walk through the mall, get my fruit and coffee, and return to the dorm to study before 8:30. Or maybe 9. It would be ok. The station was closed. I’d have to walk to 調景嶺 or take a bus or an Uber. I remember looking out at the wet streets. A jewelry store was open and a 7 Eleven. I didn't know if they had Ubers here and I didn’t have any cash. I asked someone in pigeon Cantonese how to add bus money to my Octopus card and she answered but tittered at me. I was losing hope. Then I heard Aunt Flora calling out my cousin’s name, they were shopping at the mall. I think they picked me up and took me with them. I don’t know if I ever made it back to the dorm though.